offlate suddenly I have realised that I have slowed down a bit. There used to be times when I would be dejected ..annoyed and frustrated about my situation and condition and there was a feeling to do something . There was a never ending urge that used to keep me going somehow....there was something to think about.....something to do....something to look forward too...........but now somehow all that has been taken away by a deafening silence........I am completly blank......nothing at all is there in my mind...by nothing means nothing......
I don't crib about my job anymore........I don't want to do MBA because I want to become somebody.......I don't wish to travel anywhere......I don't speak much about me now......there is no sense of achieving anything......nothing left to prove.....somehow I think I have became resistant to any thoughts at all..............
but this sucks bigtime...I mean I don't have any dream at all left to dream ....to imagine about......it is all so empty and void inside that it is again making me go crazy......I don't feel like sitting in office and when I come back to home again there is nothing to look forward to.....weird irony I must say.........
I always believed in the dialogue from the movie 'fight club' :
"loosing all hope is freedom" . I am free now........
but what do I do with this new found freedom?????? I am yet to figure it out...........
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
study!! study!! study!!
A poor Soul (to GOD): oh dear God! please let me be born in India this time. I would love to be a connecting chain in the great traditions and the spiritual heritage that this country inherits from its ancestors.
GOD : though i was thinking of putting you somewhere else for I thought you had taken enough beating in your last birth and this might have been the time for relaxation (read being born in US or western Europe), but if this is what you want then so be it, be born in India....AMEN...
GOD (Thinking): all these buggers ...why do they want to be born in India...the population is also increasing like crazy rabbits..maybe thou shall learn the hard way...hehe......
So guys here we see another person being born in our great great country...but for his stupid bad luck...the poor fellow ended up in a typical indian middle class family.
Need we say more...life was pretty decent good and emotionaly very fulfilling but it wasn't supposed to be so for long...destiny had it for him...to STUDY and STUDY.....and this is where starts the journey from, the never ending struggle, the zeal to be better than the lacs of other competing poor souls and then to get better than your own self...........
Studies are like the single most important things in a middle class indian family, that drives the whole family. The day a child is born people in the house starts discussing of who he shall become later in his life ...what should he 'study'.????
I had a recent visit to a place called BASAR in Andhra Pradesh. It is a small holy town that has the oldest, biggest and supposedly the only temple of goddess Saraswati in India, the goddess of knowledge and 'studies'. There is a very special pooja/prayer done on the day of 'basant panchami' called 'aksharabhyasam' for the infants. This is to seek the blessings of the lord for the bright academic career of the newly born. The prayer costs you about 500 Rs and most of the people that I saw there were from very modest backgrounds, many of whom might have taken this expenditure as a big time investment too!! but they did spent and that goes on to show how crazy things become in this big country when it come to studies.
Why I am telling all this and writting this blog is because as a victim of this mindset, now I am completely fed up of studies....not that it is me alone who is having so much problem with this fact, but i know there are many people in my age group , infact all maybe, who would believe in the fact that we have been undone by our families and our society at large, which had made so difficult for people like us to live in peace.
I still believe that education in all its sense is very essential and makes a human being, a very complex and socially inclined animal, but how good it is to stretch your kids in pursuit of this and make their life hell.......
I thought after doing engineering I might not be required to study again ever and i can live happily ever after, but no , that is not what destiny had in mind ....i have to study for MBA. I have not cleared the great entrance exams so far..and this again means that i have to study again and again give the exams and then again and then again until i find success. That is not all , if you don't do it, u are treated as second rate citizens, nobody among ur relatives thinks good about you, nobody would want to talk to you, meet you. That is also ok , who needs them, i have my job, my house....I shall live or as long as i can. But no even that is not possible dear, even in your job you have to keep studying further to make sure you are eligible for promotion or you can change your job for that elusive 1.5lac salary raise....no respites here either....
yesterday i almost fainted when one of my friends told me about his meeting with an experienced MBA guy who suggested to do PhD after 4-5 years from MBA, otherwise your career would again come to a halt!!!!
better would have been not being born in this country at this point in time...or is there a better solution??????
GOD : though i was thinking of putting you somewhere else for I thought you had taken enough beating in your last birth and this might have been the time for relaxation (read being born in US or western Europe), but if this is what you want then so be it, be born in India....AMEN...
GOD (Thinking): all these buggers ...why do they want to be born in India...the population is also increasing like crazy rabbits..maybe thou shall learn the hard way...hehe......
So guys here we see another person being born in our great great country...but for his stupid bad luck...the poor fellow ended up in a typical indian middle class family.
Need we say more...life was pretty decent good and emotionaly very fulfilling but it wasn't supposed to be so for long...destiny had it for him...to STUDY and STUDY.....and this is where starts the journey from, the never ending struggle, the zeal to be better than the lacs of other competing poor souls and then to get better than your own self...........
Studies are like the single most important things in a middle class indian family, that drives the whole family. The day a child is born people in the house starts discussing of who he shall become later in his life ...what should he 'study'.????
I had a recent visit to a place called BASAR in Andhra Pradesh. It is a small holy town that has the oldest, biggest and supposedly the only temple of goddess Saraswati in India, the goddess of knowledge and 'studies'. There is a very special pooja/prayer done on the day of 'basant panchami' called 'aksharabhyasam' for the infants. This is to seek the blessings of the lord for the bright academic career of the newly born. The prayer costs you about 500 Rs and most of the people that I saw there were from very modest backgrounds, many of whom might have taken this expenditure as a big time investment too!! but they did spent and that goes on to show how crazy things become in this big country when it come to studies.
Why I am telling all this and writting this blog is because as a victim of this mindset, now I am completely fed up of studies....not that it is me alone who is having so much problem with this fact, but i know there are many people in my age group , infact all maybe, who would believe in the fact that we have been undone by our families and our society at large, which had made so difficult for people like us to live in peace.
I still believe that education in all its sense is very essential and makes a human being, a very complex and socially inclined animal, but how good it is to stretch your kids in pursuit of this and make their life hell.......
I thought after doing engineering I might not be required to study again ever and i can live happily ever after, but no , that is not what destiny had in mind ....i have to study for MBA. I have not cleared the great entrance exams so far..and this again means that i have to study again and again give the exams and then again and then again until i find success. That is not all , if you don't do it, u are treated as second rate citizens, nobody among ur relatives thinks good about you, nobody would want to talk to you, meet you. That is also ok , who needs them, i have my job, my house....I shall live or as long as i can. But no even that is not possible dear, even in your job you have to keep studying further to make sure you are eligible for promotion or you can change your job for that elusive 1.5lac salary raise....no respites here either....
yesterday i almost fainted when one of my friends told me about his meeting with an experienced MBA guy who suggested to do PhD after 4-5 years from MBA, otherwise your career would again come to a halt!!!!
better would have been not being born in this country at this point in time...or is there a better solution??????
Sunday, March 2, 2008
fuck EUPHORIA!!!
fuck this stupid band....how many times shall we will be listening to these stupid folks who calls themselves musicians but are nothing more than just a bunch of monkeys jumping around.......
I sure admit they made some real good songs in the past but frankly speaking how far in the past fellows!!????? same repeated boring songs again and again and stupid event organizers paying them moolahs for unnecessary jumping like a spring.........
I am sick of all these......a country of more than a billion people and no proper band even....just that you know how to strike a note or two on a harmless old guitar doesn't mean you are a musician....for the love of god..please abandon such people you fellows....
you get to see such cartoons everyday on MTV who will be sporting long grown girlish hairs and fart smelling rusted jackets and they think they are rock stars .....oh common u must be kidding me.......get real......we are much better off going back to our classical music ....atleast it is as pure a music as it get........not like these bunch of hipocrates who say they do riyaz everyday in morning and then come out with shit at the time when they are supposed to produce something of their own.......
it makes me sick ....really sick.........
I sure admit they made some real good songs in the past but frankly speaking how far in the past fellows!!????? same repeated boring songs again and again and stupid event organizers paying them moolahs for unnecessary jumping like a spring.........
I am sick of all these......a country of more than a billion people and no proper band even....just that you know how to strike a note or two on a harmless old guitar doesn't mean you are a musician....for the love of god..please abandon such people you fellows....
you get to see such cartoons everyday on MTV who will be sporting long grown girlish hairs and fart smelling rusted jackets and they think they are rock stars .....oh common u must be kidding me.......get real......we are much better off going back to our classical music ....atleast it is as pure a music as it get........not like these bunch of hipocrates who say they do riyaz everyday in morning and then come out with shit at the time when they are supposed to produce something of their own.......
it makes me sick ....really sick.........
Friday, February 15, 2008
yet another weekend!!!
what bloody another weekend....there used to be a time when i used to wait for this to come but now i dread this...it is really boring these days.....and more so for me because of my perrenial cough and cold sickness.....unneccesary i have to take offs and sit at room alone...somehow just lost all the interest in every thing ....don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything at all.....some big shake -up is required to change the things around.....don't know really what to do......
reading books is the only thing that gives some rest....otherwise there is no refuge.......well let me stop wasting time here writting this shit...and read a book or better even go to sleep.........
reading books is the only thing that gives some rest....otherwise there is no refuge.......well let me stop wasting time here writting this shit...and read a book or better even go to sleep.........
Thursday, January 31, 2008
cigarettes ...are they really that bad
I have never been able to really make out why people try out cigrettes for the first time itself (i don't count the first sip as trying...according to me it takes atleast 2-3 buds to really qualify for having tried 'cigretting'...by the way this is new hip word instead of cheap sounding 'Smoking').....
believe me.....you can say that peer pressure was there..all friends tried...gave to crazy youthful exuberance ..or simply that it is so cheaply and readily available....but the fact still remains that none of these are really the reasons that would bring you again and again to those smoky stalls in never ending zeal for cigretting......
It is more in how you connect to your real self.....the puff when it goes inside..some sought of divine pleasure is felt......it is figuratively similar to a baby sucking milk from his mother's chest......you suck it hard and there then you feel the awkward little warm something going in and giving you life........maybe the chemical reactions inside the body are not the same with both the things i just compared...or rather unsuccessfully tried to compare (nothing compares to a mother or her love), but the whole idea behind it was noble.........
it is this above divine pleasure that makes people do it again and again.......u lite up a cigrette bud....u suck it hard the first time.....the smoke goes in...u see for the cotton end of the bud..it has turned from white to yellow...reflecting the pain it goes to make you happy...and then u releases the smoke out and thanks the cotton end that indeed it's pain was worth and it really made u happy...........
Smoke as so ever been reflection of man's great courage and ability to withstand the tough times.....so many songs have been written around and about this......
'Main jindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya,
main fikr ko dhue mein udata chala gaya'
or this one
'sochna hain kya,
jo hona hain hoga,
chal pade hain yaaro,
fikr dhue mein uda ke'
For me it is more than this....it is this supreme sense of satisfaction that u get while smoking is that when u see the burning bud....u get a feeling that it is not only you....but there is somebody else too who is burning with you.......it just gets me going..............
As a little token of respect and honour from my side to cigretting.....here is a little compilation that i tried to make from my side........here is the description of various easily available brands in indian markets ......best to my knowledge........
believe me.....you can say that peer pressure was there..all friends tried...gave to crazy youthful exuberance ..or simply that it is so cheaply and readily available....but the fact still remains that none of these are really the reasons that would bring you again and again to those smoky stalls in never ending zeal for cigretting......
It is more in how you connect to your real self.....the puff when it goes inside..some sought of divine pleasure is felt......it is figuratively similar to a baby sucking milk from his mother's chest......you suck it hard and there then you feel the awkward little warm something going in and giving you life........maybe the chemical reactions inside the body are not the same with both the things i just compared...or rather unsuccessfully tried to compare (nothing compares to a mother or her love), but the whole idea behind it was noble.........
it is this above divine pleasure that makes people do it again and again.......u lite up a cigrette bud....u suck it hard the first time.....the smoke goes in...u see for the cotton end of the bud..it has turned from white to yellow...reflecting the pain it goes to make you happy...and then u releases the smoke out and thanks the cotton end that indeed it's pain was worth and it really made u happy...........
Smoke as so ever been reflection of man's great courage and ability to withstand the tough times.....so many songs have been written around and about this......
'Main jindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya,
main fikr ko dhue mein udata chala gaya'
or this one
'sochna hain kya,
jo hona hain hoga,
chal pade hain yaaro,
fikr dhue mein uda ke'
For me it is more than this....it is this supreme sense of satisfaction that u get while smoking is that when u see the burning bud....u get a feeling that it is not only you....but there is somebody else too who is burning with you.......it just gets me going..............
As a little token of respect and honour from my side to cigretting.....here is a little compilation that i tried to make from my side........here is the description of various easily available brands in indian markets ......best to my knowledge........
- Wills Insignia: by far what i have tried...this one is the most exquisitely made cigarette. it is a little longer than the normally found ones and has a very smooth silken appeal to it's taste. The feeling could well be compared to laying your hand gently over a woman's body.
- Wills Classic Regular: The classic bud as obvious to the name....suits those who prefer to have a strong but a gently smooth taste. Has a cult like following......most famous with chain smokers.... Shahrukh khan is also supposedly a regular to the classic regular!!
- India Kings : again a brown end bud though...but better be taken as a light cigrette.....good for females graduating from the 'lights' to brown ones!!!
- Wills Navy Cut: perhaps the most sold cigarette brand in the country (gold flake kings people might object), it is the strongest cigrette and supposedly the most harming too....but people those who smoke this can never settle for anything else apart from this itself.
- Classic Milds: a much better option for the occasional smokers. niether too strong...can't be called lights either.......gives quite a bit of smoke in every puff.....and makes u feel you are a big time smoker!!!!!
- 555 : hmmmm.....the original posh cigarette of the indian market....the US brand still has a lot of followers left.....the taste is a little straightforward and gets u a good high.....u should be enjoying this one with a good cup of strong coffee!!!
- Gudang Garam: just a gimmick....nothing good about the cigarette accept that it tastes of 'longue' ....makes a annoying sound while puffing........most hazardous.......very raw basically....u got what i meant to say.....
- Gold Flakes Kings: very basic cigarette....typical made in india product......extremely down to earth!!.....nothing to write about frankly speaking............
- Gold Flake Lights and classic ultra milds: hmmmm......quite a smooth taste.......pretty light as per the name......advisable for beginners and ladies.........if u see an old person smoking this....believe me his body must have said NO to him by now.....u know what i mean.......
- Davidoff lights: extremely light cigarette......good showoff like most other European things.......
- Davidoff Regular: the packaging is really good in the purple coloured case with the best caption ever ' smokers die younger'......but taste wise...pretty strong and straight taste...it is like in your face......u would not want to smoke two of this one after the other.........I didn't like it much.........
- Classic menthol: gives u cool feeling of menthol....nothing else worth mentioning........
- Phillies cigar: the cheapest cigars available in general markets...will give u sweet taste at the tip with lot of smoke.....
- Marlboro regular: by now u must be thinking ...how strange it is that a cigaretter (don't ever say smoker)...not talking about 'Marlboro'. Well the world's most used brand is pretty good ...needless to say......a very gentle macho taste....but beware...even in india also...use only the foreign made product...yes you get those smuggled ones...and those are only good...the indian made tastes rotten.
SADISM
writing about sadism seems weird...even to somebody like me...u always hear about these 'how to be happy' write ups..books..and self improvement articles.......but nobody ever might have written about being sad and 'how to be sad'......
perhaps this is because people are in general unhappy about everything surrounding them...right from job..to relationships...to politics...to country...to world in general.........and it is such a thing which is always there..need not be attained...
then why to run from this...Accept sadness.......and believe me u will happy...this is sadism...awestruck??? read on.......
Life goes on full circle ....there is a full circle about humans emotions too....imagine some super power leaves you at around quarter place.....and there are two options given to you....either go ahead around the 3 quarters to reach the zero position ....in pictorial terms....try to attain everything that is supposed to give happiness...try to get everything possible so that there is nothing left to be attained...and then u have a zero feeling...that is where you get the real pleasure..............exactly what all the 'how to be happy' books preach you
or there is a second way.....follow back and travel the 1 quarter u had ...and u still reaches the zero..don't you.........pictorially speaking.........loose every damn thing....if u r sad then so be it...stop worrying....expect more sadness....be rest with that......there is nothing worse than this that can happen....this is also the same zero feeling.....believe me u will be same happy.....point is this takes lot less time.....
There was one dialogue in the movie 'fight club'..'it is when u loose everything..that u r free to do anything' . Sounds like genuinely genius philosophy..doesn't it........This is the essence of Sadism....
Loose all hope.....and may u rest in peace always...AHEM
perhaps this is because people are in general unhappy about everything surrounding them...right from job..to relationships...to politics...to country...to world in general.........and it is such a thing which is always there..need not be attained...
then why to run from this...Accept sadness.......and believe me u will happy...this is sadism...awestruck??? read on.......
Life goes on full circle ....there is a full circle about humans emotions too....imagine some super power leaves you at around quarter place.....and there are two options given to you....either go ahead around the 3 quarters to reach the zero position ....in pictorial terms....try to attain everything that is supposed to give happiness...try to get everything possible so that there is nothing left to be attained...and then u have a zero feeling...that is where you get the real pleasure..............exactly what all the 'how to be happy' books preach you
or there is a second way.....follow back and travel the 1 quarter u had ...and u still reaches the zero..don't you.........pictorially speaking.........loose every damn thing....if u r sad then so be it...stop worrying....expect more sadness....be rest with that......there is nothing worse than this that can happen....this is also the same zero feeling.....believe me u will be same happy.....point is this takes lot less time.....
There was one dialogue in the movie 'fight club'..'it is when u loose everything..that u r free to do anything' . Sounds like genuinely genius philosophy..doesn't it........This is the essence of Sadism....
Loose all hope.....and may u rest in peace always...AHEM
just another sad day
Don't think that I am here trying to pursue any agenda of preaching or justifying anything about myself and my beliefs....I am just trying to feel better myself by penning what i think...
today i was really sad ...nothing new though but still... today is one of my good friend's wedding and tommorrow is my parent's 25'th wedding anniversary...I am not going though to either...i am here stuck in my stupid job and beyond description senseless fever...(i get fever even if temperature shows a sudden deviation of just 2 degrees!!)
People say bhagwan jab deta hain chappar phaad kar deta hain....i say pretty true and also true is that almighty never discriminates even in between joys and miseries....when he gives either ..there are no limits.....
maybe this sounds bit exaggerated...but true isn't it....when u really want something...i don't think u r in a mood for negotiation....when there are emotions involved then there are never any justifications and logics....
was whole day just lying down...thinking and thinking and thinking...and finally thought what the hell...it is good however it is....gave up on myself...somehow felt very relieved...was happy for no reason...felt like that there can't be anything worse than this...this is the abyss...cmon u so called god...do what more worse you can do to me....u r powerless aren't you....i am not going to be sad this way anymore...do what more you can.....
today i was really sad ...nothing new though but still... today is one of my good friend's wedding and tommorrow is my parent's 25'th wedding anniversary...I am not going though to either...i am here stuck in my stupid job and beyond description senseless fever...(i get fever even if temperature shows a sudden deviation of just 2 degrees!!)
People say bhagwan jab deta hain chappar phaad kar deta hain....i say pretty true and also true is that almighty never discriminates even in between joys and miseries....when he gives either ..there are no limits.....
maybe this sounds bit exaggerated...but true isn't it....when u really want something...i don't think u r in a mood for negotiation....when there are emotions involved then there are never any justifications and logics....
was whole day just lying down...thinking and thinking and thinking...and finally thought what the hell...it is good however it is....gave up on myself...somehow felt very relieved...was happy for no reason...felt like that there can't be anything worse than this...this is the abyss...cmon u so called god...do what more worse you can do to me....u r powerless aren't you....i am not going to be sad this way anymore...do what more you can.....
first post
here i am finally putting up my blog.....don't know what purpose does a blog solves...probably it gives liberty of believing that there are people reading this and in literal terms listening to you...
kind of strange isn't it..!! A country number one in only one thing ..population (i know China is still ahead if India...don't try to teach me) and still you have to write on lifeless internet to be listened!! but the lure of uncertain had it better of me here too and so here i am writting a blog.
I thought really hard before putting up the blog name but really could not come up with anything else...people around me say that I am a sadist and i keep hearing this often so much that even I have started to call myself a sadist and a preacher of sadism...but frankly speaking I am happy in being this way...who the hell cares what others make of you..till u r ok with ur own self...
kind of strange isn't it..!! A country number one in only one thing ..population (i know China is still ahead if India...don't try to teach me) and still you have to write on lifeless internet to be listened!! but the lure of uncertain had it better of me here too and so here i am writting a blog.
I thought really hard before putting up the blog name but really could not come up with anything else...people around me say that I am a sadist and i keep hearing this often so much that even I have started to call myself a sadist and a preacher of sadism...but frankly speaking I am happy in being this way...who the hell cares what others make of you..till u r ok with ur own self...
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